A question I often get asked from men is – “my girlfriend/wife has a hard time orgasming during sex – why?

While there can be many reasons for this, often there are common links.

For example:

  • Fear
  • Guilt
  • Stress
  • Shame
  • Anxiety
  • Poor diet
  • No stamina
  • Trust issues
  • Past trauma
  • Emotional blockages
  • Being afraid to surrender
  • Mindset, social programming, frustrations, abuse, and not knowing how the body functions.

A lot of women experience only a clitoral orgasm and our definition of ‘orgasm’ is defined by the clitoral peak orgasm. Most of us are unaware of the ‘internal orgasms’ that occur from the G-spot, A-spot, Cervix, and other areas where we have nerve pathways that respond to pleasure.

The word orgasm originates from two Greek words: Orgasmos, meaning to grow ripe, swell and be lustful, and Orge meaning impulse.

It also has origins in the Sanskrit word Urj – meaning power, nourishment and strength.

With my clients, I noticed there is often a theme of shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, stress and not giving themselves enough time to relax, open up, breathe deeply and slow down.

Instead, they pressure themselves to “get there” and if they don’t, they think something is wrong with them.

Many women also compare their experiences with other women and most have no idea what type of touch, speed, intensity or softness their body needs during different stages of arousal.

Throughout my sexual journey, I finally understood the concept of relaxing into sex rather than putting pressure on getting there.

Only when I learned how to slow down and relax, I was finally able to truly feel his penetration, the opening, the surrender and the receptivity.

Many of the signals that either strengthen or diminish female desire have to do with the female brain’s question: Is it safe here?

In her book “Vagina” – Naomi Wolf describes the connection between the brain and vagina.

She writes:

“It is not so surprising that when the neural pathways from brain to vagina are damaged, one feels that life has less meaning; truly, the well-treated vagina is a medium that releases, in the female brain, what can be called without exaggeration the chemical components of the meaning of life itself.

The most destructive thing that men are being taught about women is that the vagina is just a sexual organ, and that sex for women is a sexual act in the same way it is for men.

But neither gender is being taught about the delicate mind-heart-body connection that, it turns out, is female sexual response.”

From child hood to adult hood we accumulate many unhealthy ideas about sexuality and we have no idea about what is right and acceptable.

This disconnection causes restrictions, which can create blockages in our minds, bodies and limit our ability to fully express our sexuality in total surrender.

We also create what is referred to as ‘body armor.’

When our energy is blocked we become rigid, judgmental, confused and unable to fully open up allowing us to enjoy one of life’s greatest pleasures.

I’ve personally felt the rigidness and armoring I created in my body when I was going through a very stressful breakup.

My body was completely shut down to pleasure, because I was holding onto a lot of emotions all throughout my body and more specifically in my vagina.

I felt the pain inside the walls, including severe tightness in my pelvic area.

I finally decided to have several yoni massages to release the physical and emotional blockages from my sexual organs. My body had to go through a ‘de-armoring’ process. This is kind of like a deep tissue massage to release the knots.

During ‘de-armoring’ blockages are released, toxins are broken down and blood flow is increased to the sexual organs. Old knots that hold negative emotions are loosened and broken down.

Emotional, physical, and psychological healing takes place during a Yoni massage where past hurts and frustrations are released. During this process many emotions were coming out – tears, anger, laughter and hurt.

A similar type of healing can happen for men with a lingam massage.

Often it’s our accumulated rigid sexual attitudes, past breakups, and trauma that keep us from opening up and experiencing bliss.

For many of us these attitudes come from an early age – the shame, the guilt, the trauma, the social pressures and unhealthy ideas about sex.

Eventually by the time we become adults we have accumulated a lot of unconscious and sometimes unhealthy behaviors  about sexuality.

But how do we heal, change, and evolve our attitudes?

It all comes down to what we are willing to do for ourselves. If a woman has a hard time orgasming she has to first take the time to:

  • Learn her body
  • Do healing work
  • Develop her sensitivity
  • Learn to trust and surrender
  • Train her mind and body to receive pleasure
  • Open herself to new possibilities of pleasure

It’s also important that a man understands that a woman’s sexuality is spread all throughout her body. Unfortunately most men don’t know enough about the fascinating and mysterious female sexual anatomy.

As a result they don’t take the time to awaken her body for receiving pleasure. A woman needs time to get aroused and the amount of time needed is different for every woman.

Cover Art | Jose-luiz-benicio