Sexual guilt is a struggle, which takes place within ourselves, – self imposed in our own minds.
Sexual guilt holds us back from open, spontaneous, and authentic expressions because we hide inside a shell filled with self-critical judgments.
The critical and negative beliefs about ourselves keep us from expressing our sexual desires.
Instead these beliefs turn our pleasures into something we perceive unclean and even wrong.
The emotion of sexual guilt steals intimacy from lovemaking and makes sex impersonal, repetitious, and mechanical.
We can’t feel sexy if we feel guilty. The sexual guilt we carry with us is directly proportional to the pleasure we don’t feel.
But where does the emotion of sexual guilt come from?
As children, we all began as sexual innocent adventurers touching our genitals with no sense of shame or embarrassment.
It was a journey of discovery, wonder, and a feeling of pleasure.
Until one day, an adult made us feel guilty or embarrassed about what we were doing by saying silly things such as:
- Touching yourself will make you go blind – (my mother’s favorite. I am happy to report that I am in my early 30’s and not only am I NOT blind, but I am not even wearing glasses.)
- Stop touching your wee-wee, it’s embarrassing.
- Shame, shame, shame.
- Nice girls don’t do that.
- It’s a sin to touch yourself.
- If I catch you doing that again, you will stand in the corner until you realize what you’ve done wrong (I’ve spent hours staring at a boring wall.)
From these naïve but consequential comments and punishments, we learned the emotion of sexual guilt from adults who were supposed to be our loving guardians or mentors.
We can’t really blame our parents or adults whose attitude towards sex come from their parents who inherited Victorian taboos, religious misinformation, and centuries of ignorance.
Unlearning Sexual Guilt
Sexual guilt is a learned emotion and the good news is, it can be unlearned. Unlearning sexual guilt means dropping other peoples programming of your sexuality so you become free:
- Free to express your desires
- Free to be creative and confident
- Free in your feelings
- Free to experience your own pleasure the way you choose.
This doesn’t mean compromising your boundaries or having to change your values.
It’s difficult to “unlearn” long – term habits, but it’s required for healthy growth and development as you work to overcome your sexual guilt.
Here are 3 Ways to Unlearn Sexual Guilt:
Turn Guilt Into Pleasure
Allow pleasure to inhibit guilt and not the other way around.
Take a step-by-step approach to ease whatever it is that makes you feel sexual guilt by getting closer to that pivotal point, but never close enough to feel guilty.
Remain relaxed, but sexually excited enough to feel pleasure.
You may require a lot of sexual pleasure to block a little guilt, work your way up to an intense arousal state where you feel comfortable, warm, relaxed and yet very sexual.
You want to make sure that pleasure always wins and guilt always loses, so that you learn how to feel pleasure and learn how to built your pleasure while unlearning guilt.
With repetition, a new learning takes place. You learn to face guilt because what used to provoke discomfort will now inspire pleasure.
Sex isn’t always neat and clean, but that’s also what can make it fun and exciting.
Reflection & Expression
Most of what we have learned about sexuality comes from porn, media, our friends, and other unreliable sources.
We don’t take the time to get to know our own mind and body – to ask ourselves what really turns us on?
How do we feel emotionally, and spiritually about our desires?
Learn about your desires, pleasures, and how you want to express yourself.
This will help you figure out your own truth instead of relying on others to tell you what you are suppose to think and feel.
Self Pleasure & Sexual Confidence
Self-pleasure increases our self-confidence, because when we know what we need and want, we increase our emotional and physical connection to ourselves.
Knowing what we are capable of experiencing and how our body receives pleasure allows us to feel great comfort with our choices and creates stronger boundaries with our partner.
You can never truly give to another what you have not accepted for yourself.
Sex is a deep search to uncover, not only our bodies, but also everything else that is hidden within.
Nature has given us one source through which we can go deep into ecstasy. Sex is beautiful and healthy. Don’t resist it and don’t repress this powerful force.
Enjoy the exploration and journey of getting to know your self.
Art By: Mark Kostabi