For nearly a year I was looking for a trusted Tantra Masseur (man or woman). This is one of the few categories where Google wouldn’t be a trusted source.

So I asked around and finally a friend of a friend recommended a gentleman in London who she had a session with.

A few months later I was in London and decided to call this gentleman to setup an appointment.

I asked the following questions:

Q: What does this type of massage involve? Is it only manual stimulation or does it involve other body parts? (i.e. penis, or tongue)

A: Every client’s needs are different, but it’s all about your safety and comfort. It’s manual massage and stimulation, and I am fully clothed throughout the entire session.

Q: How Long Does This Type of Massage Take?

A: Plan on being here for about 5-6 hours. The first hour is talking and getting to know each other.

Then for about 3 hours I will give you a body massage to open all the energy points in your body and finally we will do the yoni massage the last hour.

Q: How long Have You Been Doing This?

A: I have over 20 years of experience and I’ve worked with over 3,000 women.

Q: Safety is my number one priority, I have never done this before, are there any other important details you would like to share? I am not a fan of surprises.

A: My approach is to make all my clients feel safe, secure, confident, and relaxed. The important thing is that you have to feel relaxed.

Sounded good to me, so I scheduled a session 2 days later. The following day I got my period.

I called and asked if we can still do the session, he said only the body work, but not the yoni massage, so I gave my appointment to my friend and told her to enjoy it.

The next day I couldn’t wait to see her for breakfast and get all the details. She said she loved it, her exact words were, “my garden is finally open.”

I asked her to tell me in detail about the whole experience, she was a bit hesitant. She told me how much she enjoyed the massage, but wouldn’t share the juicy details.

She then said, she gave him hand pleasure as she felt really turned on after the massage. I thought it was a bit weird, but it was her choice and she felt comfortable doing it.

A few months later the therapist and I were in Thailand attending a Tantra and Tao workshop.

I was excited to finally meet him in person and possibly schedule a session during the week when we had free time.

By the time I got around to making an appointment he was fully booked.

I asked again the following day if he had availability? He said he can squeeze me in for 3 hours in the afternoon, but he can only give me a 2-hour body massage and the last hour he will focus on the yoni massage.

I agreed.

When I got to the room, he asked me to rinse off. After rinsing we sat facing each other and bowed.

At this point our phone conversation was very fresh in my memory and I didn’t feel the need to ask the same questions again.

He asked me to lie on my stomach and we started the massage. When we got to the last hour he began doing the yoni massage.

About 30 minutes into the yoni massage I was relaxed, enjoying the finger stimulation with my eyes closed.

Suddenly, I felt his tongue on my yoni. He was giving me oral pleasure, with his finger still inside me.

My eyes immediately opened in panic and I had a mix of emotions brewing inside me. I was so confused and wasn’t sure how to act.

I was having a very serious dialogue in my head. Do I just let it go and enjoy this, or do we stop right now because this is NOT part of the session and this part was never mentioned to me.

I tried to enjoy it, but I couldn’t. He ruined the entire session. I immediately felt uncomfortable, unsafe and didn’t trust him anymore.

I shut down. I wasn’t feeling any ounce of pleasure anymore. I felt even more confused while deciding how to deal with this situation.

We ended the session, I rinsed off again and we left to attend the workshop. I was confused and a part of me was furious, but the other part of me wanted to understand why he decided to do this?

A few hours later when I was calm and level headed I asked him why he did that? It wasn’t what we had agreed to.

He said he felt that I had an intimacy blockage and oral pleasure was the treatment I needed to unblock the intimacy area.

Sounded like BS to me.

It’s true that I had intimacy issues at that time, but having a stranger/therapist/teacher giving me oral pleasure wasn’t the cure for my intimacy blockage, especially when I did NOT ask for it or agree to it.

Over the years I’ve met many male and female Tantra therapists and every time I share that story with them, they say, here is another therapist/teacher who is a charlatan and only doing this work for his personal gain.

Luckily this incident didn’t leave a deep wound, but I can imagine how some people can be traumatized from such an experience.

As I continue to study different practices I still believe Tantra offers many solutions to our sexually deprived cultures filled with ignorance, shame, guilt and anxiety.

Over the years there has been no shortage of Tantra teachers being involved in scandals for manipulating and sexually exploiting their students.

In a prefect world a teacher wouldn’t abuse their power and a student wouldn’t give theirs away.

Sometimes students get overtaken by the delusional vortex which the teacher can manipulate to satisfy his or her pathological whims.

With any practice, service, or teaching there is always a shadow side. Tantra can be explored for awakening and experiencing the sexual and spiritual union or it can be exploited for the enhancement of personal power.

I believe that a good therapist’s/teacher’s responsibility is to give you the tools necessary to evolve your learning.

It’s the student’s responsibility to apply those tools and continue to grow. There are no safe guarantees, don’t give your power away to anyone including your teacher.

For me a good Tantra Educator has very clear principles he/she follows:

  • Walks the talk and practices what they preach.
  • Takes care of their own sexual needs on their own time.
  • Doesn’t try to impress anyone with their ‘special’ powers.
  • Avoids presenting themselves as the perfect example that all must follow.
  • Has enough experience and self –trust to know how to handle any and all situations with integrity.
  • Has a mature attitude to keep their position as a teacher, without seeking a more personal and intimate connection with students.
  • Does not enforce their own ideas about ‘truth’ on students. Instead they ask the right questions so the students find their own answers.
  • Understands that this type of work is about delivering results while the patient/student experiences deep personal transformations and healing.
  • Guides patients/students to their own inner source of strength from where they can choose what they want and what is good for them.

Over the years I’ve learned the importance of asking the right questions and listening to their answers. More importantly I’ve learned to trust my intuition.

If something doesn’t feel right, walk away. Find another teacher/therapist.

So far I’ve found two therapists/teachers whom I trust. You can check out my resource page here to learn more about them.

I would love to hear your experiences below. Leave a comment.

Cover Art By|Brita Seifert