I get 90% of my article ideas from speaking to friends, clients or strangers.
I get asked a lot of questions and what usually starts out as a question turns into an in-depth conversation which then turns into an article.
A question I get asked often: How can I gain more sexual confidence? Lack of sexual confidence usually falls under three categories.
1. No education or absence of information about one’s sexual anatomy and intimacy.
2. Misinformation, myths or fears passed on from parents, caretakers, schools, media and porn, which then causes confusion, false portrayal of sexuality, guilt, shame, anxiety or fear.
3. No sexual dialogue – many people often have a hard time articulating what they feel.
What’s Your Definition of Sexual Confidence?
I’ve asked many people this question – everyone has a different answer based on their beliefs and experiences.
Here is my long definition:
- Feeling good in my body.
- Leaving distractions outside the bedroom.
- Being able to talk, listen, laugh, be playful, share fantasies, say what I am willing to try and not try, what hurts, ask for different types of touch as I go through different stages of arousal.
- Freedom from fear, anxiety, shame, guilt and the pressure to perform.
- Being open to trying an outrageous fantasy and laughing about it if it doesn’t work.
It’s important to note that none of this would be possible without trusting and feeling safe with my lover.
Developing any skill takes time. It takes a certain amount of unlearning, creating a new mindset and habits.
Sexual Confidence is no different.
Here are 3 ways to Develop Sexual Confidence:
1. Forget All The Sexual Myths You Learned Along The Way
The moment we choose to stop believing or accepting the outdated information we absorbed in our younger years, is the moment we start introducing new ideas and experiences into our intimate life.
Now, more than ever there are so many resources, courses, podcasts available to take a deep dive in any subject.
2. Relaxing Into Pleasure
In today’s plugged in world, most people experience the heights of sex, which usually focuses on stimulation, arousal and orgasm. Then before you know it’s all over.
The depths of sex, is a whole different experience, because our entire nervous system deeply relaxes and our body opens up to the possibilities of the unknown.
We allow ourselves to experience sensations and feelings we have never experienced before.
There is no rushing, no chasing orgasms, everything is felt on a very subtle level and time no longer exists.
This is when we feel how much pleasure gives rise to the desire for unity.
3. Experimenting and Exploring
Fresh attitude, patience and willingness to apply to a new mindset is what it takes to abandon the old ways and a playful approach to create the new.
Playfulness has no goal or a secure plan attached to an outcome. It’s sincere, but not serious. Sincerity comes from the heart, seriousness comes from the mind.
If you are in a relationship it’s always helpful when both people embrace similar attitudes – it makes the process more supportive to the exploration of the unknown.
There are absolutely no rules about how to make love. Through awareness we are able to relax, discover and learn.
It’s important to realize that changing our sexual narrative and patterns is an art. It’s made up of small steps, which can sometimes have a huge effect.
The more we experiment the more we dissolve our ingrained patterns into the experience of what’s happening now.
Sometimes, we manage and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we will get caught up in old patterns and stories, but that’s also part of the process of any change.
A shift in perspective is an ongoing process of unveiling sexual ecstasy.
Developing sexual confidence takes patience, practice, making better choices, healing and lots of playfulness.