In a world where it’s all about getting it up, getting it in and getting it done we can’t help but be driven by performance followed by performance anxiety.
Many men suffer from premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction and how can we not when our social construct of manhood is linked to impossible standards of on-demand sexual performance—the possibility of failing to deliver can feel humiliating.
But this magic bullet approach to sex limits many pleasurable possibilities of emotional and erotic communication between lovers.
I’ve realized over the years that all these pills, injections and quick fixes can never replace the feeling of vulnerability, transparent communication and eroticism which allows men to experience empathy, sensitivity and more intimately connect with their partner.
It’s definitely true that some men have a quicker neurological trigger which causes them to ejaculate very quickly, just as some women orgasm easily, and some don’t.
But, this doesn’t mean you can’t train your body to delay ejaculation.
In the last 4 years a whole new world has opened up to me with the help of Tantric therapists who have taught me about full body orgasms, separating my orgasm from ejaculation and so much more.
At the age of 68 I have no issues getting an erection and being able to last for as along as I want.
My penis is no longer in charge of me – it took me 68 years, but better late than never.
Below are all the exercises I’ve been doing over the last four years to overcome ED, learn to delay ejaculation and learn how to separate ejaculation from orgasm.
Squeeze and Release
Learning to squeeze and release your PC muscles (Pelvic Floor Muscles), these are the muscles that stop the stream of urine when you are urinating.
I started doing this exercise everyday for 15 counts, couple of times a day.
It’s really easy and you can do it while driving, watching TV, or working at a desk.
Build up slowly and don’t overdo it at first.
The whole point is to learn how to feel as you strengthen this part of your body.
I now do about 200 counts.
A more advanced version is to squeeze and hold these muscles for a few seconds then release slowly. Again start with 15 counts and work your way up.
A more complex version of these exercises is something called a root lock.
Lie on your back, squeeze your internal anus muscles, your PC muscle, and your stomach inwards, then breath out of your chest slowly as you hold for 15 seconds.
I started only doing 20 sets.
This exercise in particular helps spread the sexual energy all through out your body instead of only being focused on your genitals.
Learning how to slowly breath deeply from the belly instead of the chest allows us to circulate energy through out the body.
This is key when you feel you are getting close to ejaculation. The breath is the one of the most important foundations for learning how to delay ejaculation.
When you learn how to breath from the belly you spread the sexual energy throughout the whole body instead of the energy only being focused in your genitals.
Feeling Your Sensations
Something I recently learned from a Tantra therapist is a way to expand sexual pleasure.
Lie naked on your back (I do this on my bed before masturbating).
Gently and slowly run your fingertips all over your body, noticing places with greater and lesser sensation.
Then, do the same with your genitals lightly touching your penis and testicles, not masturbating yet, just feeling the sensations and staying in the present moment.
Take your time.
When you start masturbating go slower and more gently – relax your hard grip.
Do not race to ejaculate – that is how most of us grew up, but now we can enjoy sex even more and expand our pleasure.
I also suggest NOT using porn for any of this – I even avoid sexual fantasies, and just focus on my bodily sensations.
The Edging Technique
Practice masturbating and getting close to ejaculation (PONR- of no return), then stopping just before ejaculating.
Do this several times – I do this about five times. Sometimes I combine this technique with deep breathing to move the sexual energy throughout my whole body.
Another technique I’ve learned is to change my penis stimulation once I get close, instead of keeping my hand at the top near the frenulum, (trigger point) I move my hand down to the shaft and balls to cool down.
Exercising Your Lower Body
So many men focus on building muscle in their chest, arms, stomach and legs that they completely overlook their hips, which is where a mans sexual power comes from.
When was the last time you did any hip opening or pelvic exercises?
This is an area I never focused on before and my hips were so tight, over the last 4 years I make sure I incorporate some form of hip openers into every exercise routine.
Core exercises are great to feel and strengthen that part of your body.
Having Your Partner Help You
There are several physical things you can do when approaching ejaculation.
Some push in on the spot below your testicles, known as the perineum.
Some also will pull down on the testicles just before ejaculating or have their partner do so.
This can also delay ejaculating, as the testicles do tighten up to your body just before you ejaculate.
I don’t prefer these two methods myself, but they do work for many.
Figuring out which positions are less stimulating for you can also help you delay ejaculation.
I find the woman on top gives her more control and gives me less stimulation.
If you are about to ejaculate, simply slow down or stop thrusting and let your penis cool down a bit before continuing.
Slowing Down Is Key
I’ve tried the creams, sprays, distracted thinking and so many other short fixes, the truth is it takes away from the experience and at times desensitizes me.
The whole point of enjoying sex is to feel pleasure and all the different sensations available to us.
What’s the point of thinking of sports during pleasure?
Tantra has taught me a lot about focus and sexual enjoyment.
Practicing semen retention and long masturbation sessions have helped me last much longer, but have also changed the entire focus of sexual pleasure for me.
The focus has shifted from my penis and my race to ejaculation to pleasure all over my body and satisfying my partner fully.
Most men think if they can penetrate a woman for 5 minutes they’ve done a good job.
The truth is that many women enjoy penetration and feeling you inside her.
Sex is now so much more enjoyable for both of even after 37 years of marriage.
The best part is we have gotten so comfortable to openly talk about our wants and pleasure.
I hope this helps and I do believe we have the power to enjoy maximum pleasure if we choose.
It just takes a bit of work/practice like achieving anything great in life.
Cover art By|Mark Kostabi