Performance anxiety should never be used in the same sentence as sex.
I believe we are all born great lovers, but we forget that when we start believing all the distorted message we learn about our bodies, our sexual expression and relationships.
When we come together to have a sexual experience, we want to give and receive exquisite pleasure or a feeling of connection and this doesn’t always mean intercourse.
We want to touch, kiss, feel, hold, enjoy each other and surrender to possibilities. So to narrow down a sexual experience to only penetration is incredibly limiting.
When we put pressure on ourselves or on each other to perform, we create resistance in our body that doesn’t allow us to be in our natural flow in that moment.
Where Does Performance Anxiety Come From?
It’s when we create worry, nervousness or fear during an aroused state because we are expecting a certain outcome.
For men the common physical ways this shows up are:
- Worrying about ejaculating too soon.
- Not being able to ejaculate at all.
- Loosing his erection.
- Or not being able to have an erection.
For women the common physical ways this shows up are:
- Not being able to have vaginal orgasms.
- Not being able to orgasm at all.
- Body insecurities.
When people talk about how often they have sex they are usually referring to intercourse. We have to abandon this idea that pleasure always includes an erection and penetration.
What if your sexual organs aren’t aroused because life has you stressed or your emotional state is out of alignment, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a pleasurable experience, it’s just means you have to broaden your definition of sex and incorporate other pleasurable activities like:
- A whole body massage to relax your mind and body
- Mouth Play
- Hand Play
- Sex Toys
- Erotic games
- And whatever other fascinating activities your imagination can create.
Our bodies have wisdom of their own and sometimes it wants to be held, touched, caressed, massaged or not be touched at all. And all of it is okay.
7 Ways to Overcome Performance Anxiety.
1) Transition from the idea of sex as a performance to experiencing sex as this fluid, free flowing feeling that has no specific steps or outcomes attached to it. This transition is a process of how you think or talk about sex that influences how you respond to situations as they come up.
2) Shift Your Focus – Go back to kissing, touching, or massaging the whole body, then return to the genitals later. There is a whole selection of options that take the pressure off of that one thing that isn’t working at that moment.
3) Deep belly breathing – allowing oxygen to flow through your body eases anxiety. When we are experiencing anxiety we feel stuck and blocked, breathing deeply releases some of the blockages and allows you to relax.
4) Let go of the Myth that Sex can only happen with a hard penis. Penetration with soft penis can also be a very pleasurable experience.
5) Create an experience that anything goes and there is no outcome.
6) Get Out Of Your Head – This is a big one, so many people are having conversations with themselves while they are ‘having’ sex.
When you are thinking, you are completely out of the experience and disconnected from your body. Stop thinking and be in your body. How do you get out of your head, you take your awareness to a certain body part that feels aroused.
7) This one is for the ladies – If a man looses his erection or doesn’t have an erection it doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling desire for you or he isn’t attracted to you.
As women this is the biggest myth that we believe and we magnify this myth by taking it so personally. The truth is, it has nothing to do with us and when we make it into a big deal it makes him feel worse.
It’s important to understand that our body is an extraordinary instrument and has immense capacity for pleasure.
Don’t try so hard. Making love isn’t about putting on a performance to impress someone. It’s just about enjoying the experience however that may show up in that moment.
One of the BEST ways to overcome performance anxiety is to experience Erotic Touch – Learn how to make love with your hands and relax into pleasure.
Art By|Mark Kostabi