I had no idea what the difference was between sex vs. making love until I was 23.
I was in a relationship with an older gentleman at the time who asked me “what’s your definition of making love? I said, rose petals and candlelight.
He said, “that’s your definition of making love? I have a lot to teach you.”
Clearly I was missing a few key essentials:
Along with the slowness and openness that comes from sharing this beautiful experience.
As a teenager my only reference to sex was porn, that’s how I learned how to have sex.
So my idea of sex was based on ‘porn style sex’ – fake moans, fake orgasms, and it would have to be done fast and hard.
As I grew in my knowledge and experiences, I now have a very clear understanding of how sex and making love are very different experiences and expressions of sexuality.
Sex is bio-mechanical and instinctive, we all know how to ‘do it.’
Love making is slow, sensual, non goal oriented which allows us to experience the transcendent states of pleasure – this type of love making is truly an art in it’s self.
The first time a man made love to me, I had a revelation. I opened up to feeling that a sexual experience can be an exquisite source of pleasure because I trusted my body and I trusted that men could be great lovers.
Sex vs. Making Love
What’s your motivation?
Do you want to have a physical experience with no emotional connection? Or do you want to be intimate and express passionate LOVE to reach new depths with your lover?
One is NOT better than the other – it’s a different intention, feeling and experience. Most of us can feel the difference.
Michael Mirdad explains this perfectly in his book Sacred Sexuality , he puts the different experiences into two categories.
- Heights of Sex
- Depths of Sex
“The heights of sex, generally focuses on stimulation and nervous system response. This experience is known as merely “having sex.” It’s referred to in yogic traditions as tamas, or sex of a shallow consciousness.
It arises from unfulfilled fantasy and addictive behaviour, rather than from a conscious sharing with a partner.
The heights of the sexual experiences are usually measured by the intensity and quantity of stimulation and the success of orgasms, which is like judging the quality of food by the quantity ingested.
The depths of sex have a “warm or cool” energy and focus on the ecstasy released between the heart and breasts, as well as the energetic aspects of the genitals.
A relationship focusing on the depths of sex, accesses the soul of both partners.
The depths of making love encourages each partner to make use of their bodies, minds and souls to access each other’s heart. ”
Making love isn’t about pleasing someone or impressing them with your prowess. It’s about coming from a feeling inside, a feeling of love that you want to express. It’s a subtle shift, but it makes all the difference.
This type of love – making allows each partner to explore hidden inhibitions that may arise during a truly intimate experience.
Lovemaking accesses the whole person, not just their body.
To deeply connect and open up with another human being without any inhibitions takes a lot of trust, vulnerability and commitment.
The best part about lovemaking is that it becomes effortless, because there is no thinking about what Olympic – style performance to put on next.
Feeling The Difference
Sex satisfies our lust and hunger for physical pleasure.
We make love because we are hardwired for pleasure, intimacy, and connection. We open up to be seen, valued, and accepted.
We get to share all characteristics of our being – emotional, energetic, mental, spiritual, and physical. This is what gives us a deep and full experience.
One experience is NOT better than the other, it’s about enjoying all the pleasures sexuality has to offer and allowing ourselves to express our sexuality in a way that nourishes us instead of hurting us or leaving us feeling empty.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” ~Alan Cohen