10 years ago, I stumbled upon a book called “Cupids Poisoned Arrow” while exploring many Ancient sexual teachings:
- Kama Sutra
- Ancient Greek Eros
- Taoist sexual practices
- Sacred Sexuality in Egyptian Culture
I found myself at odds with the author’s message. Like many, I embrace the idea that life’s spice lies in its variety, and I relish the different flavors it has to offer. After all, isn’t it said that “Variety’s the spice of life that give it all its flavor”?
One of the things she advocates is sex without orgasm for both partners.
At the time I put down the book and said to myself “No thanks! – I am not giving up my orgasms.
Fast forward to today following many client coaching sessions and extensive exploration of various modalities, I recognize some of the relevance of the practices advocated in her book as it’s mainly based on the practice of Karezza.
It reminds me of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
There is a profound sense of liberation when one learns to balance between the raw primal essence of ‘orgasm/release’ and the deep fulfillment obtained from intimacy when reaching ‘orgasmic states’.
Orgasmic states are achieved through the following sequence:
- Building up arousal.
- Pausing just before reaching orgasm.
- Relaxing and taking a few deep breaths.
- Repeating the pattern multiple times.
Orgasmic energy starts to flow uninterruptedly through the body.
Whenever I attempted this practice alone at night, I found myself unable to sleep due to the excessive energy it generated. I no longer practice this at night.
In our modern world of chasing highs and constant dependency on dopamine stimulation from sources like pornography, vibrators, social media and the list goes on….
The central argument put forth by the author is: Frequent‘orgasms’ and continuous sexual stimulation can upset the delicate balance of our brain chemistry and, in turn, disrupt our relationships.
When professionals mention the word “frequent” it always makes me question two things?
- What’s considered too frequent?
- Can such matters really be quantified?
What may be considered too frequent to one individual might not hold the same relevance for another.
Cultivating Sexual Harmony – key insights presented in the book:
- The addictive nature of orgasm: Frequent orgasms can disrupt brain chemistry and create a dependency on sexual stimulation. Neurochemicals released during orgasm, such as dopamine and oxytocin, can create dependency and create a pattern of seeking short-term pleasure rather than deep connection.
- The Chaser effect: Partners can develop a pattern of seeking more and more sexual stimulation to satisfy cravings, which can interfere with deep emotional connection.
- The practice of Karezza: Karezza, a form of intimate bonding without orgasm, is presented as an alternative approach to cultivate deeper connection and long-term satisfaction in relationships.
- Redirecting sexual energy: By consciously avoiding orgasm and redirecting sexual energy towards emotional intimacy, couples can tap into the power of oxytocin and enhance their bond.
- Harmful effects of pornography: Pornography can distort perceptions of sex, create unrealistic expectations, and hinder genuine intimacy in relationships.
- Bonding behaviors: Engaging in prolonged hugs, cuddling, and sensual touch can stimulate the release of oxytocin and foster emotional connection.
- Slowing down sexual activity: By consciously slowing down sexual activity and focusing on the present moment, couples can heighten their awareness and experience greater intimacy.
- Overcoming ingrained habits: The challenges of rewiring the brain’s response to sexual stimuli and emphasizes the importance of patience, commitment, and open communication.
I am always grateful for the variety of modalities available to us to explore and deepen our sexual expressions.
“Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” is one of many guides for individuals and couples who yearn to break free from outgrown routine patterns.
It illuminates a path towards lasting fulfillment in their sexual relationships, fostering deep connections and genuine intimacy.