A few months a go I sat down to write my values for my business.
Then it dawned on me that I have never written down my sexual values. Why is it necessary to know (and more importantly to write down) our values?
You see, everything in life starts with values. They outline what we do, and more importantly, why we do it. Our values give us clarity, reflect our core beliefs and demonstrate what really matter to us.
They help guide us when we are faced with tough decisions. And often times, what used to be tough decisions are no longer, because we know what we want.
Benefits Of Having Sexual Values
Over the years I’ve traveled to many countries and worked with many different types of people.
And one of the most common patterns I’ve seen is people’s conflicting attitudes toward sex.
Most of us enjoy sex but we refuse to openly discuss it with our friends and our lovers.
We live in an advanced world of artificial intelligence, 3D printing, blockchain technology and self driving cars, but sexuality still remains taboo.
I believe it’s because we don’t openly and honestly talk about sex. We don’t discuss what we want, what we need, what feels good, when we feel safe, what hurts, and so on.
We don’t discuss these topics because they make us uncomfortable. We don’t put ourselves in vulnerable situations because that leaves us open to getting hurt.
Our sexual ego is so fragile that often times we keep quiet because we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings by saying something that may be interpreted the wrong way.
But what if there was another reason? What if we don’t discuss sex openly because we have never taken the time to explore our own sexual values?
And because we haven’t explored our sexual values we have no idea how to communicate what we want, how we want it and what makes us happy.
Our sexuality is a huge part of our personality. Who we are sexually and how we feel about our sexuality guides our behavior towards how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others.
Our sexuality can be the source of much shame, embarrassment, guilt and self-judgment if we don’t understand our sexuality or are afraid to fully open up to it.
Being happy with our sexuality is an important part of unblocking our ability to operate at the top of our game.
How to Define Your Sexual Values
To be truly happy we must be true to ourselves. And I’m not going to lie, figuring out what we want and what we value can take a lot of time and a lot of exploration.
And throughout the years our values might change. But the dividends are worth the time we invest in ourselves.
Let’s start with some basic questions:
- Am I happy with my sexuality?
- Am I comfortable with my sexuality?
- Am I confident with my sexuality?
- Am I open with my sexuality?
- Am I willing to explore my sexuality and challenge my beliefs?
After answering these questions, we can get even deeper.
- What turns me on?
- What do I need to be sexually happy?
- What satisfies me sexually?
- What do I need sexually from my partner?
And after answering these questions we can ask ourselves the following:
- What do I not enjoy?
- Where do I draw the line?
- What doesn’t feel good?
Your answers to the questions above will give you clarity about what your sexual values are.
And once you embody these values, making decisions about whom you date and what types of sexual activities you participate in should be easier and more clearly defined.
But to enjoy the true powers of knowing your sexual values, there’s one more thing you have to do.
Sharing Your Sexual Values With Your Lover
Yes, we come back to communication. By telling each other what you want, you set yourself up to receiving exactly what you want. You take the guesswork out of the equation for your partner, and put each other at ease.
Most of us are fortunate to be born in families that teach us responsibility, compassion, generosity and kindness. And these qualities are huge.
But very few people are taught about the importance of sexual values.
Like all values and attitudes, our sexual values are not something we are born with. They are unique to each of us.
We learn about and develop them from our experiences, our culture and our environment. Our sexual values may change throughout our lives as we have experiences that challenge them.
But in order to get to that point, we must know what we want and what’s important to us.