I was recently having dinner with a gentleman I just met.
We were having a general introductory discussion and after I told him what I did for a living, he leaned in and asked, “How can I convince a woman to have anal sex with me?”
I was a bit annoyed at his question, because his approach sounded very adolescent coming from a grown man.
He went on to say he has given up asking since all the women he’s asked previously have said “No.”
He asked again, “So Ms. sex expert, how can I convince women to try it? I really want to try it.”
I finally explained to him that it’s very hard to push or convince someone to do something when they don’t want to, have no interest in doing it, have no curiosity about trying it, or if they are not ready for such an experience.
I went on to say, “Perhaps it’s your approach that turns them off. Maybe we should examine that instead?”
He didn’t think his approach was the problem, because he said he asks nicely…
I couldn’t wait for dinner to be over because our other conversations were too boring, mundane and painful.
Afterwards, I started thinking about sexual boundaries, as this is a subject I’ve been pondering a lot lately.
Bruce Lee once said:
“If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.”
So, does having sexual boundaries limit our potential to what can possibly be an ecstatic sexual experience with a partner?
Or, does it ensure that we are consciously participating in relationships and sexual acts where we feel safe and secure?
Relationships are powerful and a foundational piece of our day to day lives.
In our relationships we often see the best and worst qualities of ourselves.
I’ve recently had the pleasure of meeting a few couples who are in ‘open relationships’ and one particular couple who lives in what’s called a sex positive community.
A sex positive community is more of a movement, which promotes and embraces sexuality with few limits beyond an emphasis on safe sex and the importance of consent. (You can learn more about the movement here).
The couple said that in their community they encourage people to talk about their sexual boundaries so everyone can support and create safe space for each other to help maintain relationship balance.
Having sexual boundaries allows us to expose ourselves willingly to a situation or a relationship that enlivens us, rather than draining us of our strength.
Setting “healthy” sexual boundaries means taking responsibility for one’s own actions and emotions, and not taking responsibility for emotions or actions of others.
Having clear sexual boundaries and the ability to verbalize those boundaries should be encouraged in relationships and discussed regularly.
In a sexual situation it’s less about strict rules and more about ‘How do you feel about this, right now, in this moment?’ since every sexual encounter, even with the same person, can be completely different each time.
When we are clear about our sexual boundaries we are able to create deeper connections and engage in the uncomfortable conversations with our lover(s). These conversations in turn can remove the fear of disappointing our partner(s).
It also ensures that we don’t make requests of them that will violate their sexual boundaries and vice versa.
We do this with care and awareness because we know one day our sexual boundaries might change and so will theirs.
Sharing openly and non-judgmentally is key.
Sexual boundaries allow safety in the moment, with no obligation to fulfill anyone else’s insecurities or demands.