I still sometimes say “yes” when I deeply want to say “no” (and vice versa) … and then resent others/life for my choices.
I still sometimes walk paths that feel heavy because logic says this will get me the love, validation, etc. I want … which is mostly always wrong.
I’ve been taught that love, peace, fulfillment, affection, validation, etc. comes from the world around me, and to get it I must dance like a monkey on a chain crashing cute little cymbals together for crackers.
Sure, I get my crackers, dancing like a monkey for others’ pleasure.
But I’m tired of crackers!
Where’s the Feast?
I am discovering the Feast is in living self-love everyday, regardless where it takes me or what it gets me … in loving and honoring my deeper knowing so completely that I am not willing to move into any experience that feels heavy, regardless what my scarcity-minded, fear-filled ego-brain tells me about it.
Throughout my life, when I’ve felt compelled to move deeper into some darkness – into heaviness – it always turned out that I needed to learn something massive for my evolution … and suffering is a great teacher!
I’m done suffering intentionally for the sake of “growth.”
My current practice is self-love.
It’s perhaps the hardest practice – and often the most terrifying, too, for it threatens everything we’ve been taught about how to get love and acceptance (from the outside world).
But I ache for the Feast.
So my moment-to-moment practice is to honor what is deeply true for me by speaking / walking / living / breathing / fully surrendering to my deeper knowing without often knowing “why” it’s true or “what” it will get me.
Sometimes the practice is just closing the gap between the moment I sell myself out and the moment I adjust by coming back Home to myself.
A big part of this practice is also not making others (life) dance like a subservient monkey to please, validate, or take care of me, either.
There’s another name for practicing self-love everyday:
Cover Photo Credit | Jean Hyppolyte Flandrin